Today I looked at myself. Like really looked at myself in the mirror. My old bedroom at my fathers house is a workout room now. The left wall is a giant mirror. This mirror has always been there when I was growing up and I used to have a really hard time always having to look at myself. When I had chicken pocks, I refused to go to my room because I thought that the little red dots all over my body made me look hideous. For years while growing up, I would look at my reflection and be repulsed on how I looked. I was too tall, too fat, too white, too everything. I would stare at my reflection and wonder why I couldn’t be more, more beautiful in everyone else’s eyes.
So here I am, 25 years old, standing naked in front of the very same mirror that haunted me my whole adolescence. I stood there, stood sideways, made faces, and just stared. I don’t think the same things that I used to about my body. I no longer want to be beautiful for everyone else. I am beautiful the way that I am, and I am the only ones opinion that should count. I see myself and don’t see someone fat. I see someone who is in her prime years, shaped like a woman should be shaped in the child rearing years of her life. I have faded stretch marks, but those are scars on my skin that show how much I have grown. I am no longer insecure. I have finally accepted that I am who I am, and I am the one who has to live with it, so why not love everything about me. Love every scar, tattoo, stretch mark, pimple, white patch and many more imperfections about me. These are MY imperfections, my own unique markings that show how perfect I really am.
It was nice.
| white people: | I wish I lived in the forties! Everything was so much COOLER back then, you know? |
| japanese people: | nope |
| walking people: | nope |
| thai people: | nope |
| black people: | nope |
| latin@ people: | nope |
| cuban people: | nope |
| native people: | nope |
| korean people: | nope |
| desi people: | nope |
| jewish people: | nope |
| queer people: | nope |
| vietnamese people: | nope |
| chinese people: | nope |
| disabled people: | nope |
It has been getting easier and easier living here. When I first moved back to Alaska 6 months ago, I was not feeling it. I had a very hard time being here just because I missed all my friends and I didn’t have any new ones here. the main issue was that I felt that I couldn’t make any friends here because I am to outlandish or strange, but that has proved to be wrong also. I know that people here in Alaska have their own twerks but I am able to adapt to them. I want to do more things. I want to be able to hang out with people that are different.
I am starting to enjoy Alaska. I am excited to see what summer has in store. I also want to move closer into town. Boo on that part.
I am slowly figuring it out.
Things have been going well on the home front. I am in the last month of school and it is getting pretty hard to start or finish my silly research papers. uhg. So much homework to do but all I want to do is play outside.
I am really excited for summer. I am going to go to Portland for a few days and then go to comicon in San diego for 5 days to help out my lovely friends while they are working. I am also looking forward to getting all my history credits out the way in long distance learning courses. This leaves my life more open to me going camping and shizzz. All a girl wants to do is have a little fun. This winter has been really hard on me so I need to get out there.
I am currently in a non relationship relationship. It is pretty perfect because no feelings can be hurt but I have a male best friend again. I really miss having my best male buds. I have noticed that I connect better with men in that fashion. It is probably because I am an odd pervert.
on that note. I just want you to know that I am well and happy. Stressed a bit but other than that… amazing.
xoxox
I feel like I have been neglecting this blog for awhile now. I think that it has something to do with the fact that I now have myself and iPad and it is a pain in the ass to type on that thing. Good thing I left my iPad at my brothers apartment and am now forced to use my actual computer.
I had a horrible horrible horrible dream last night. It was full of monsters and friends that betrayed me. It was really interesting though because it was a friend that would never do anything to cause that much pain yet at the same time she was doing it so I would have a better life. I will have to explain this better. Here is how the dream went, I was walking into a clothing store, it looked a lot like an anthropology store. My friend J was working there and I was saying hi to her. For some reason, my ex boyfriends daughter was there and I was very excited to see her. Her name is C in this story. I loved this little girl so much and when my then boyfriend broke up with me, it tore me apart. Anyways. So C was there with her mother S. Mother S and I used to really dislike eachother but soon got over it because we both realized that neither of us had anything to do with ex boyfriends actions. She pulls me aside and tells me that the reason I wasn’t allowed to see her daughter anymore and the reason that Ex broke up with me was all because J convinced them that it would be best for me and for them if I was pulled out of the picture. J told S that I was not a good role model for C and that I was causing her mental harm. This was when I flipped in my dream. I have never been so angry at someone in my entire life. I just started punching J over and over again and security had to pull me off. I Just remember seeing C being dragged off by her mother and me screaming “WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED WAS TO BE A PART OF A REAL FAMILY!!!”. yeah. I am fucked up in the head right?
Oh and to top this all off, as I was finally released from security I went out into the parking lot and the planet was being attacked by alien monsters.
Yeah no more crack before bed kids.
god. Horrid.
